Why Self-Compassion Matters

Self-compassion is the foundation upon which successful goal-setting and personal growth should be built. It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we’d offer to a friend. This concept, championed by psychologists like Kristin Neff, PhD, emphasizes three key components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness is about being gentle and understanding with ourselves, especially when we falter or face setbacks in our pursuits. Instead of harsh self-criticism, self-kindness encourages us to acknowledge our imperfections with empathy.

Common humanity reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles. Others face similar challenges, and understanding this shared experience can reduce feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

Mindfulness encourages us to be present and aware of our thoughts and emotions without judgment. It enables us to observe our inner dialogue and choose healthier responses.

Resolutions and Their Pitfalls

New Year’s resolutions often bring with them the pressure to be perfect, which can lead to stress and disappointment. We set high expectations and may become overly self-critical if we don’t meet them immediately.

For example, if your resolution is to exercise more, you might start with enthusiasm. But when life gets busy, and you miss a few workouts, the inner critic may chime in with negative self-talk: “I failed. I can’t stick to anything. I’ll never reach my goals.”

This negative self-talk not only erodes self-esteem but also sabotages your motivation and resolve.

Preventing Burnout and Stress

So, how can we prevent burnout and stress while pursuing our new year goals? The answer lies in integrating self-compassion into our approach:

• Set Realistic Goals: Begin by setting achievable and sustainable goals. Rather than aiming for perfection, focus on progress. If your goal is to exercise more, start with a manageable routine that fits your schedule.
• Practice Mindful Awareness: Pay attention to your inner dialogue. When self-criticism arises, pause and replace it with kind and constructive self-talk. Remind yourself that setbacks are normal and part of the journey.
• Cultivate Self-Kindness: Treat yourself as you would a dear friend. Offer yourself words of encouragement and support, especially when facing challenges.
• Embrace Common Humanity: Remember that everyone faces obstacles. Share your experiences and challenges with supportive friends or a mentor. Connecting with others can provide valuable perspective and encouragement.
• Adapt and Adjust: Be flexible in your approach. If you encounter obstacles or need to modify your goals, do so without judgment. The key is to keep moving forward.

By embracing self-compassion, you transform your resolutions from sources of stress into opportunities for growth and self-improvement. As you navigate the early part of 2024, remember that the most meaningful changes often arise from a place of self-love and understanding. This year, let self-compassion be your guiding star on the path to a more fulfilling and balanced life.

You have the power…from within

Therapy is a journey, but rarely is the path to wellness a straight line.

Therapy can be hard work, and the road to reaching mental and emotional well-being can sometimes be frustrating, especially when we feel like our therapists aren’t helping us along the path fast enough.

There is no one-size, fits-all solution and your mental health provider is there to assist you on your specific journey and sometimes that means pushing you beyond your limits even when it’s uncomfortable.

Here are some specific things your therapist may say, all of which are encouraging you to reflect, rethink and reset as you navigate your own path.

“You can’t run away from how you feel.”

Let’s face it, as humans we all have a tendency to avoid what is unpleasant to us, and that means avoiding difficult emotions. Therapy offers an opportunity to take a deep dive into your feelings and really reflect. Bottling up emotions may seem easier in the short term, but it is holding you back. Facing emotions head on, processing them, and gaining an understanding of how you’re feeling can increase your coping skills and resiliency, even when those feelings are uncomfortable. Especially if they’re uncomfortable.

“Replace ‘should’ with ‘want to’”

Our propensity to think of the endless lists of what we “should” do can lead us down a path of self-doubt and self-criticism. Your therapist is there to help you navigate these self-sabotaging thoughts and replace the criticism with self-kindness and compassion. Being kind to ourselves helps keep us motivated to act, whereas being hard on ourselves feeds those feelings of not being good enough. As you start to develop your self-compassion skills, your ability to tap your inner motivation may surprise you.

“What feels right to you?”

Many therapy clients are looking for straight-up answers to all their problems. Your therapist does not to provide you with their answers, but helps you discover your own. Your therapist’s holding back is essential to engaging you in your process of self-discovery and their goal is to ensure that you can independently reach your best decisions for yourself. That’s one of the most crucial parts of the healing process.

“Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real”

Maybe your therapist has said that to you? Or you’ve read it somewhere? What it means is that both fear and anxiety are emotions – not facts. Because you feel something intensely, it does not necessarily mean that the thought driving the emotion it is true. In times of fear and anxiety, it is helpful to remind yourself that these emotional moments are your mind’s way of shouting out to you and so you can take a deep breath and re-evaluate.

The next time your therapist repeats any of these phrases, you can be confident that they are encouraging you to be your own healer and that with their help and some self-reflection, you can overcome what is causing you pain and start thriving.

The Lighthouse-Le Phare is here for you. If you want to learn more about our therapists or how we can help, please contact us at info@thelighthouse-lephare.ca or visit www.thelighthouse-lephare.ca.

With spring fast approaching this is typically the time of year when the winter blues start to lift, and we begin to feel more energized and enthusiastic as temperatures warm up, and daylight increases.

This year however, a year into Covid-19 the pandemic, things may feel much different for many of us. Many are feelings the effects of burnout with continuing to juggle increased childcare duties and homeschooling while trying to work from home, as well as dealing with additional worries such as finances, illness, and loss of employment. Burnout is unmistakably on the rise, and has been since the pandemic started.

This is what prolonged chronic stress and burnout look like: Disrupted sleep. Waking up tired. Cynicism. Lack of enthusiasm. Lack of energy and ability to cope. Loss of confidence in our abilities. Feeling empty and irritable. Increased physical pain. To name a few.

Burnout symptoms can’t be overlooked, because they can quickly spiral into depression.

It was challenging enough juggling all of our daily roles – parent, employee, spouse, before the pandemic. Now we also have to contend with a layer of grief and isolation, compounded by other stressors that vary depending on our individual circumstances.

And, the pandemic, the very thing exacerbating burnout, also makes it more difficult to treat right now.

So what can we do?

For starters, control what we can, and set boundaries:

• Time: Protect your time, set some aside just for you (if you live in a small house with lots of people, noise canceling headphones are great!). Let go of any guilt.
• Space: Carve out a physical space that’s yours where you can retreat and be by yourself if need be. Small works.
• Emotional: Stop comparing yourself to others, or even your previous self. Let go of expectations of yourself, and of others if need be. Let go of any guilt you may feel about “not measuring up”.
• Forget multitasking and mono-task. Take it one task, one activity at a time. Forget the “to-do” list and create a “don’t-do” list if you need to.
• Focus on what’s possible right now. Let the rest go. Remember that what is possible one day, may not be the next day. Our levels of energy change daily. Our needs change daily. Release the guilt.
• Get outdoors. Take in some fresh air, and sunlight if it’s available. A 30-minute walk can do wonders. Do some gentle stretching at home.
• Nourish your body. Nourish your mind. Nourish your spirit.
• Connect online with others if it feels good. Give yourself solitude if that’s what you need to recharge your batteries. No guilt.
• When overwhelmed, return to your breath. Leave the rest aside, and focus on one 4-count inhalation at a time, holding it for a few seconds, and one 8-count exhalation at a time. Repeat as often as needed.
• Practice self-compassion. Repeat.
• Be patient with, and kind to yourself, and know that this will pass.

* The following post is part of a series of fictitious pieces meant to help people who are seeing a therapist (or who aren’t). Each essay expands on a concept, theory or activity that a therapist may (or may not) have suggested in the course of a therapy session. Though the therapists and clients are invented characters, the concepts, theories and activities are readily accepted as helpful and even necessary by psychotherapists and other mental health professionals in the real world. If you feel triggered by anything in these paragraphs, please discuss them with your mental health care professional.

My therapist says that we have to start thinking about ending our sessions. We had a treatment plan, after all, and the goals we set together have been reached. By me. Mostly.

So I started to cry.

And I told her I’m not ready. And I told her I might have a meltdown any minute. And what about my ex? And what do I say to my mother? And what about the last time I felt terrible about everything and she let me vent about American politics? I don’t even care about American politics, do I? See? I don’t even know what I like. And I’m just so scared… And how, how will I ever manage without her weekly words of wisdom? And then she asked me what words of wisdom?

Wait. What?

I blubbered out a shaky sigh. And remembered.

My therapist says tears are soul sweat. This is going to be some workout!

My therapist once said that my break-up was not mine to own completely and that both partners must take responsibility for their part. She said there are not nearly the number of narcissists out there that we think and that I needed to try to acknowledge my hurt and my half. Also, not MY break-up but THE break-up. Words, accurate words are important. She says they create our reality.

My therapist said that setting boundaries in my relationships means pushing through the fear of people not liking me and gently, firmly saying no. Like when my mom tells me to come to her neighbour’s weekly Saturday night ‘Stitch ‘n Bitch’ and bring rosé. I can say that even though I love spending time with my mom… No. Not bringing wine. Not listening to Mme Voisine’s stories about her low blood sugar and Alex Trebek. Hate rosé.

My therapist said that my feelings are non-negotiable. They are okay no matter what they are because they will visit me at inconvenient or convenient times and I will choose how to act on them or not. So no more bruised knuckles after a fight with the wall in the bathroom because my roommate ruined my favourite shoes in the rain, finished the last of the milk while scarfing the last brownie. Gah! My therapist taught me to breathe deep, deep, exhale slowly and count to 30….by 5s….or 2s…or…what was it? What was I mad about again?

My therapist suggested that I felt hurt and sad when my parents split up and of course it had an impact on my childhood. I was six! I can honour that past me by not blaming her. And by sometimes offering her quiet encouragement. And I don’t have to call her my inner child though because we don’t prefer that cliché. My therapist said that was ok. And as an adult, I can see that my parents were just sad and hurt too but we all love each other anyway. Now.

My therapist said that my self-worth is built up every day with all the decisions I make to behave with respect towards myself and with compassion for the people around me.

She said… I can’t remember everything she said! But for the last 18 months she has helped me climb out of the pit of a deep depression that I had slowly been slumping into for years. She says that eventually I might have crawled out of that dark, suffocating place by myself but it really helped to have someone lift up a corner of the heavy black and let in some light. And make the days a little less heavy.

Today, she says that I seem to remember plenty from our sessions and that she’s flattered that I took so much of our conversations home with me. The expression of taking something to heart seems so perfect for the results of our meetings. I’m carrying my therapist in my heart. So am I ready for next Thursday be our last session?

Yes.

I’m feeling a sad weight on my chest but my tears have stopped. I feel sorry that I won’t have an hour on Thursday afternoons to pour out my aching psyche. I also feel proud that she thought I could make it without her guidance. I feel scared. And since I choose how to react to scared, I’m going to pay attention to the discomfort and patiently, lovingly endure it. Because my therapist used to patiently, lovingly endure it for me and she showed me how.

So, yes, next Thursday can be our last session.

My therapist said I can always make an appointment for a refresher. She hopes that I will because she’ll miss me too.

* The following post is part of a series of fictitious pieces meant to help people who are seeing a therapist (or who aren’t). Each essay expands on a concept, theory or activity that a therapist may (or may not) have suggested in the course of a therapy session. Though the therapists and clients are invented characters, the concepts, theories and activities are readily accepted as helpful and even necessary by psychotherapists and other mental health professionals in the real world. If you feel triggered by anything in these paragraphs, please discuss them with your mental health care professional.

My therapist says I need to focus on self-care.

The thing is, I don’t really know what ‘self-care’ means. In the era of the pandemic, Covid-19 makes to hard to do some of the things I used to do for myself. A massage is no longer relaxing when I’m worried that the masseuse’s vigorous kneading could be dangerous. This is not the masseuse’s fault or, indeed, the spa’s fault.

I just don’t feel safe leaving my house for the services I used to take for granted. And used to do to take care of myself. A trip to the bookstore, a walk through the mall, hanging out in a coffee shop, none of that seems feasible or relaxing at all anymore. Even going to the gym is fraught with things to worry about. Can the virus be spread through sweat? I hate worrying so much about everything. I realize now that I’m worrying waaaaayyyy more than before. If I thought I was anxious back in 2019…that was nothing compared to all the new stuff I’m finding to be anxious about.

And then my therapist said to find someone to hug.

Wait…what?

And now I’m thinking about it. A lot.

I miss hugging. And handshakes. And a hand on my shoulder. And a lower arm clasp after the air kissing.

I’m paying attention now to how much I hug my partner and I hold on for a little longer. I playfully keep my children in my arms for a few beats more than usual. The covid clinch is what I’m calling it (well, maybe not, it could be soooooo easily be misunderstood…). It’s my self care.

To be fair, coping these days requires a level of indulgence that never would have passed in my house back in February of 2020. The deal now is to spare me my sanity, so we get take-out once a week. We eat breakfast for dinner often (a bowl of Fruitee-fruit-fruiteeos has some nutrients, right?). And our home cocktail hour starts earlier in the week and earlier in the day –pretty soon, we’ll be having gin and tonics for breakfast.

But self-care through the crisis isn’t about medicating with alcohol or making meal-planning easier. I’m finding that the healthiest, cheapest self-care ritual for me right now is an increase in physical contact. I’m a touchy-feely person. And this might be the best way to fill my touchy-feely needs. And make the pandemic feel less scary.

Research has been showing us how vital touch is for human development. There were the Romanian orphan studies of the 90’s. It was found that without a minimum of human touch the children’s overall development was severely compromised. They needed hugs so badly their lives depended on it.

I remember reading about two sisters born a few minutes apart, tiny little preemies. The babies were placed together when one of them seemed to be experiencing some distress. Older sister flings her tiny, wrinkled arm around her weaker sibling and both girls’ heart rates stabilise. Hugs are life saving.

The healing effects of hugging it out, of touch with fellow humans cannot be denied. Under the right circumstances it can lower heart rates, calm blood pressure and produce an overall sense of relaxation. I’m surprised by how often a hug comes with a sigh of contentment –usually mine, I’ll admit, but still…

A few months ago, briefly embracing someone upon meeting them was a normal part of my everyday interaction. And I miss it. Not just because I felt it was polite to offer a quick ‘hello-how-are-you?’ hug but also because I could learn so much about a person. Their grooming habits: perfume/after-shave application, shampoo scent, deodorant (y or n?). Their housekeeping routines: laundry soap brand, fabric softener (y or n?). And their sartorial preferences: cashmere, wool or silk, pashmina or scarf, necktie (y or n?). See? That embrace was a 5 second physical interaction and the person is no longer a stranger!

I will wait patiently for the moment when my health care leaders say it’s safe to shake hands and embrace people when we meet them. For now, my family is getting extra. For their continued good health and my self-care.

When my therapist said to practice self care, I learned that self-care doesn’t mean alone care. I think for me, it’s best when it includes others. That’s the beauty of a hug. A genuine hug has a giver and a taker in beautiful, heart-wrenching reciprocity. We touch and are touched and for the duration of the embrace, we are one.

****My therapist reminds me that hugs must be reciprocal. It is not okay to hug someone without their implied or explicit permission.

* The following post is part of a series of fictitious pieces meant to help people who are seeing a therapist (or who aren’t). Each essay expands on a concept, theory or activity that a therapist may (or may not) have suggested in the course of a therapy session. Though the therapists and clients are invented characters, the concepts, theories and activities are readily accepted as helpful and even necessary by psychotherapists and other mental health professionals in the real world. If you feel triggered by anything in these paragraphs, please discuss them with your mental health care professional.

My therapist says I should start a journal. I don’t want to write about my problems in a journal, I want my therapist to solve them for me. That’s why I pay her. I have a hard enough time writing an email for work, how can writing help me? I just want my therapist to make me feel better. And I don’t think getting writer’s cramp is going to do it for me! I’m not going to feel less depressed just because I put my feelings down in black (no, blue) and white.

At the bookstore, there were more than twenty-seven shelves of journals. That’s twenty-seven shelves of books, most of which have NOTHING written in them! Crazy. Shelves and shelves of books with empty pages. Absurd. Some of the books have grids on the pages. Does that make the stuff written on them more scientific? Probably. And some are covered in leather and look like a prop from Game of Thrones. Quill not included. Some of them have short prompts to “inspire” the writer. Bah. I’m not inspired, I’m……

I’m….intimidated….and….overwhelmed.

I bought a blue journal. A little inside joke. My depression….no, wait, I mean, the depression (therapist says I don’t own depression -everybody gets to have some) leaks out sometimes as a sick sense of humour. Blue, haha. It came with stickers. My favourite says “Keep Out!!!” As if the journal wants to stay blank forever. I wrote my name on the first page. Therapist said to start with what I know. I’m a smart-ass even to myself. But then again, this journal should be anonymous. So I put a line through my name. Now I look like I don’t even know my own name! Now I really don’t know what to write. So then I wrote “This is stupid.” And “I don’t know what to write.” And “My therapist’s mean.” But then I crossed that one out. Ten minutes passed. “My journal hates me. I wish I could write something cool. Why doesn’t anything interesting happen to me? I just want my life to be interesting and wish something would come up and make me feel like this is worth it and I could stop just feeling sorry for myself and get going on my life. It feels like my life is paused while I figure stuff out but somehow it got unpaused without me knowing it and…..” I stopped after twenty-seven pages.